Monday, August 31, 2009

on life's sorrows

It was as if I was watching it all happen in front of me but could do nothing. My loved ones were just out of reach on a ship. The sky darkens and suddenly clouds and thunder roll in. Lightning strikes. I could see their faces clearly. Their reactions. I just watch helplessly as they all go down. Sinking slowly. I watch the chaos, the panic, the pain. But it was out of my reach and all I can do was watch tragedy unfold. Hear the devastation in their voices. See the effects of it all. As I stand safe and sound on solid ground wishing it was me. Wishing that somehow I could just hit the rewind button. But there is none. This is reality. I have no way to stop or change this. I stand here full of guilt, but safe. Only I am not. I am drowning too. Drowning on dry land in the weight of it all.

That's how it was for me this summer. Not for very long but still terrible for that short amount of time. Then I realized something. I was done morning and I was not alone. I went to Catalina to meet with my God. He restored me. I am better. I am stronger. I've been renewed.

Saturday, August 29, 2009


1 John 4Test the Spirits 1Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. 2This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, 3but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world.
Why do we Christians keep trying to pretend that there is nothing evil out to get us? You can't believe in God and not believe that satan is real, alive and after us. Jesus tells us so time and time again. He warns us about this guy. Man, come on people we need to start looking at everything through our spirit eyes first. How can you just jump into things and pretend that you didn't know any better? Really guys. Really come on. You need to start consulting God in your every step instead of just "singing " about it. Test people's spirit and once you have an answer you know they are either of God or not. Then you have a choice to stay dwell in it or leave it. (resist the devil and he will flee) Life isn't as hard as we pretend lets just make the right choices and not blame the outcome on other people or circumstances. We will have trials and tests in our lives why don't we dedicate our hearts to overcoming instead of settleing in with defeat. No. I refuse because where you settle is where you die. I want more. I always will. I can't stay stagnent. If you're not growing you are dying. I can't settle for death when Jesus died that I might live, and live life abundantly. ugh. come get some. The blessings are raining down.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The "Jacob" in me: he faught for his blessings and I will too

Through the tragedy of it all i refuse to let go. In fact I find myself fighting harder than before wrestling with my faith and my God for the blessings I need. I was made for this. It would be easier not to fight. To just let go, but how can I turn away? How can I run from the reach of His embrace? Niether hieght nor depth can seperate me from the Love of my God, my savior Jesus Christ. Only I can do that. I can put walls up(like I am so good at doing). I can turn a deaf ear to His whispers into my soul. I can push Him away. I think about it....but then the moment passess and I press on with a gusto that knows no begining or end. I can see no end to this relationship. Your perfect love Lord is what I struggle for. You tell us time and time again that we will endure hardships. I find myself wrestling with you...just to be near to you and when I am through I rise and walk away limping. I am wounded, but Im blessed because of it. I walk side by side with you and though this life brings me pain I find the beauty that you have placed in the midst of difficulty. I chose You Lord. How can I not?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The crush: a glimpse into my stupid heart

So...I've had this crush for a little while. I broke my promise to myself and told a few friends...yet still vowing not to tell the crush. I was sent a secret message by one of them that said:

" A rose' beauty is meant to be seen and not hidden behind brick walls. But how much more beautiful is that rose when the walls are torn down and you see what was behind them all that time."

with all honesty my only response was:

what can i say, I guess having the garden a "secret" makes it a little special...and I am a coward in that area. I am never quite sure what people may think of the rose so I do gaurd it with my walls of stone...even i am surprised that any thing could grow there to begin with. and maybe even a little more scared of the person who made it grow.

I think there is such a thing as guarding your heart too much. Then it just becomes overgrown with thorns and weeds...forgotten. Instead of being the secret garden it becomes the forgotten one and when you feel something blossoming in a place you thought nearly dead it is just as scary as if it truly had died.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

This month of June

Okay so this month I will be doing summer school 5 days a week, cutting back my hours at the office, working friday saturday and sunday. Shanika is gone for the summer and Becky is always busy. I feel like I am pretty much living alone most of the time. Everything is going to be fast paced and in my face. I am really stressed out about not going to church for a month...maybe I can make it to some Bible studies...or do one on my own. I miss my family and the simpler times. Everything is changing and that is what I love and crave, but that doesn't mean its easy. I guess nothing really ever is.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Hello Ladies, swim here often?

Okay okay so maybe he didn't say those exact words, but that pretty much seemed to be the gist of it. We came in minding our own business trying to have a sucessful day of swim lessons when he shows up(well actually he was there first). There was this lifeguard who seemed to have a lot of suggestions for us (Ly and me). First he suggested that we use the family dressing rooms to store our belongings, then be honest I don't remember what else he suggested but he just seemed to want to talk...and we just wanted to swim. He asked if this was our first time there, and why hadn't he seen us before? And had the other guards talked to us? Poor guy. He was super polite so I couldn't just ignore him (as much as I wanted to). He would say things like pardon me, and if I may suggest....he even bowed. How can you be rude to a person who bows to you? I just couldn't do it. And because of that I know that he has life guarded for 6 years. Worked with the YMCA at the Meadows. Feels that his fellow rec center lifeguards are not very friendly and that they should talk to the patrons more and get to know them. By the way Ly is my number one star pupil. She is doing great!

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Jury Duty...or as I like to call it "jury dookie"

I had just been telling my friends how I have never been summoned for jury duty when bam! A summons....failure to respond could result in a contempt of court charge with a fine up to $500 and/or a bench warrant......BOO! what a cruel joke. Reporting date 4/29/09. Smack dab in the middle of study week. Are you kidding me?

So my days have consisted of studying all night then going to the library and studying more and trying to catch up on all the chapters I never got around to reading. ughhhh! I was trying to come up with a million reasons not to do this and how to get out of this. I was hoping that I would know the plaintiff. Just imagining the different people I knew who could have been arrested. ha ha ha

So I wake up very reluctantly at 6:30 to get ready I meant to take a shower the night before but was too tired and just fell asleep. I hop into the shower, pick out my outfit, try to find reading material, and my coloring book to keep me occupied. No time for break fast so I just run out the door at 7:22...I did not know where this place was and didn't want to go...I was going to be late for sure. I got down town at about 8:15 and call my sister to see if she can help me fine this place. She told me that if you are late they lock you out and you have to join the next session at noon so we should just go out for breakfast. Deal, I am sold. She picked me up and I spent the morning with her and my nephew Asher.
we went to breakfast, went back to her house watched a family movie, and ran some errands. Afterwards we still had about 40mins till jury duty. I went in early and found a room full of people filling out paper work. It was a huge packet. ughhhh why paperwork why? I went to the front desk and explained that I missed my original time. The lady seemed very annoyed with me and said she would switch me to the noon session. (ha ha I didn't care.ha ha) whatever.
So we watched a cheesy movie about jury duty then i took a nap, read a letter, began reading "why the rest hates the west", took pictures of my jury summons and badge, listened to music, my batteries died, noticed a couple of cute guys in the room. I was just about to break out my pirates coloring book when the lady made an announcement....the case we were waiting for has been settled. The guy took a plea bargain. Not only do we not have to serve today we get stamped and will not be called for at least another 2 years. When asked about the paperwork, she said oh that was a completely different case and that THAT case was going to be a very long on going trial....Man all that to say it pays to be late sometimes! ha ha ha I love jury duty.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Where I'm from

I am from hand stitched baby quilts, from Ariel laundry detergent.

I am from sibling filled rooms, curly hair, bilingual, fresh baked bread in the morning.

I am from the coconut tree, hibiscus, and butterflies in the backyard, the mango tree, dandylion, black sand beaches.

I am from picnics on the weekends, and full lips from Donna and from Magdalena, from Bart James and Diana Esmeralda and the Stinsons.

I am from loyalty and laughter.

From "your head is hard" and "prechet."

I amd from church on sunday and really knowing the hand of God in my life.

I am from Guam, wales, ireland, panama, talamanca, from coconut rice and cottage cheese and tomatoes.

From the vision dad had from God while driving home and wondering how he even made it, and Michel saving my life at the age of 14 after I was trampled by a horse.

I am from dusty bookshelves, boxes, treasures lost, I amd from memories now holy recorded in my heart, and the tears and sobs that pour out of him when he has to say goodbye.

dead week

Allergies are stinking killing me right now. Just how many times can a person sneeze in a row with out the people next to her killing her?...or with out snot on her hands, dribble down her chin or the urge to puke....I think it is seven. Sorry library people I guess I am officially hated right now. Oh well I was here first. Back to my studies!................why so windy today?

Monday, April 27, 2009

The need to write

The truth is I need this. I need to write. I need to express so much that I've held in for so long. The truth is that I need to be honest with myself. I am not as indepedant as I thought, as strong as you assume. I'm fragile too. I am just as insecure. I don't always try to fix what is broken...I try to use it anyway. Sometimes I try to pretend my hurt away even though I know that solves nothing. I am great at least when it comes to myself. I need a change. I need to change. Its a lonely place in this make believe world of false securities.