Monday, July 19, 2010

Singleness and Solitude

So this is were I find myself again. I am not quite at the place I was before but it all seems very familiar. The only difference is that I enjoy it. I am single and not looking. There was a time when I was afraid of this. When I resented it. Solitude. I not only don't mind the thought now but look forward to time alone. Isn't it funny how people change. I was watching this sermon where a young pastor was explaining why he was not married. There was nothing wrong with him. He was just single. He asked a question that stuck in my head. He said "what are you doing with you singleness?"

... ... It really got me thinking. Am I taking advantage of the opportunities I have as a single woman that I wouldn't have otherwise?

To my shock the answer was YES! As a single woman I am able to devote myself to high school girls at camp. As a single woman I was able to move to Washington in my sister's time of need. As a single woman I've traveled the Caribbean and Ireland. As a single woman I've been able to join ministries, start ministries, and lead studies. Not in spite of my singleness but because of it. It has allowed me to grow deep roots, flower fully, and bare great fruit.

The young pastor talked about young women who are just thirsty for relationships. I fell into that mindset for about a year. I was convinced that there must be something utterly wrong that I was content to have no special man in my life. I started noticing all the couples in my church. All my friends who had gotten married recently...and then the cruelest question was planted in my heart...."what about me Lord?"

I had done everything right. I didn't flirt or tease men. I didn't go out of my way to be noticed. I was heavily involved with all things Christ related. He said that He would give me the desires of my heart and He did....everything but my husband. And the cold question resounded again... "what about me?" This time it was a little different, there was a little anger behind it. So I tried to do things on my own and nearly ruined a friendship or two. Only to be back here. Not quite where I started from but close. The difference though almost unnoticeable is my attitude of heart. I've seen enough now to trust again. God has given me a taste of the things that I thought I had been missing out on. I was seeking one relationship at the risk of losing it all. It all boils down to this. I will wait. And while I am waiting I will continue to serve. I will learn how to put God first again and not me. These are the things that are worthwhile. I am making the most of my singleness. Are you?