Wednesday, December 22, 2010

somewhere between a dream and prayer

At night before I go to sleep I like to pray. I usually ask God to protect my family more specifically my brother where ever he may be. To give him eyes on the back of his head, to give him an instinct that sets off his spiritual alarm when he is in danger. To keep my family healthy. To keep my dad's heart healthy and all the vessels functioning properly. For my sister to forgive. For me to change, be better, closer, and eventually I fall asleep. I often pray myself to sleep and when I wake up one of my first thoughts is "thank you Jesus" and I pray some more and might fall asleep again. Somewhere in between a prayer and a dream I dreamt that I was introducing my children. "This is Ezra," I said..."and this is my daughter Risa." Then all of a sudden I was wide awake. Risa? I thought with a smile. That means laughter in Spanish. What a perfectly beautiful name for any child of mine don't you think? So when that day comes I can tell my daughter that somewhere between a prayer and a dream I was introduced to my daughter Risa who I knew would bring me such joy.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I miss my parents

This is the first time in a while that I am going to stay in Vegas for Christmas. I don't like that. I usually plan to go somewhere. This year there is no trip to Washington, or Indiana :( ....yes sad face. As I am getting older I appreciate my parents and whole family a lot more. I wish we had one of the families that all came together for the holidays but that just can't happen. We are spread all over the nation. Doreen with 3 kids lives in Washington, Carlos with 1and a 1/2 kids is deployed to God know's where, Michel is here with 4 boys, Jessica and my grandparents with 4 and a 1/2 lives in Indiana and my momma and dad in Alaska. More than anything I would love for us all to live closer together. So that we could take a day trip and just meet at whoever's house is in the middle. You know like in all the Christmas movies. I dream of a white Christmas. Where the passers by can look through our bay window and see the christmas tree all aglow, the whole family sitting at the table, just as the it begins to snow, candles lit, children playing all the Christmas music they just learned on their instruments....just give me one of those a year and I will be happy. I miss having my family together. I miss it all. I think we should all move to Indiana.

Monday, October 11, 2010

its been a while

So ...lets see

I've come to realize that i have been trusted with this life in this time. I can make what I will of it. Now the question that moves me. What next? I went to Ireland this summer. It was one of the greatest adventures of my life thus far. I was able to see ancient homes, churches, and a culture that was completely new to me. I had nights in the pub and afternoons in the garden. I was able to share that time with my family and I couldn't have imagined just how much I needed it. Joe and Mags Stenson were the sweetest couple there. They went out of their way to care for us and make us feel at home.

I some how made it through the month of weddings and came out of it happy and unscathed: which at my age and single status is a small miracle. I guess I didn't take time to realize just how important having girl friends has been. Layla made a speech at Dee Dee's wedding and she said that a friend is someone that you can say what you think that too? I thought I was the only one in the world who did that!.... and I think she is right. Thank you ladies for letting me know I am not the only girl in the world who thinks crazy thoughts, has insecurities, or is positive she is going to fall flat on her face and break her teeth. :) I love it....and I seem to be cherishing it more than ever now that friends are getting married and moving on to new stages of life. I find myself struggling with the feeling of being left behind, after our talks I see that I'm not the only one. Oddly that lessens the sting of it all. Its time for something new again. I've settled back into all that is comfortable and familiar. This world is changing before my eyes. I better get a move on. How do I find my vision. I need to figure that out before I do anything else.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Singleness and Solitude

So this is were I find myself again. I am not quite at the place I was before but it all seems very familiar. The only difference is that I enjoy it. I am single and not looking. There was a time when I was afraid of this. When I resented it. Solitude. I not only don't mind the thought now but look forward to time alone. Isn't it funny how people change. I was watching this sermon where a young pastor was explaining why he was not married. There was nothing wrong with him. He was just single. He asked a question that stuck in my head. He said "what are you doing with you singleness?"

... ... It really got me thinking. Am I taking advantage of the opportunities I have as a single woman that I wouldn't have otherwise?

To my shock the answer was YES! As a single woman I am able to devote myself to high school girls at camp. As a single woman I was able to move to Washington in my sister's time of need. As a single woman I've traveled the Caribbean and Ireland. As a single woman I've been able to join ministries, start ministries, and lead studies. Not in spite of my singleness but because of it. It has allowed me to grow deep roots, flower fully, and bare great fruit.

The young pastor talked about young women who are just thirsty for relationships. I fell into that mindset for about a year. I was convinced that there must be something utterly wrong that I was content to have no special man in my life. I started noticing all the couples in my church. All my friends who had gotten married recently...and then the cruelest question was planted in my heart...."what about me Lord?"

I had done everything right. I didn't flirt or tease men. I didn't go out of my way to be noticed. I was heavily involved with all things Christ related. He said that He would give me the desires of my heart and He did....everything but my husband. And the cold question resounded again... "what about me?" This time it was a little different, there was a little anger behind it. So I tried to do things on my own and nearly ruined a friendship or two. Only to be back here. Not quite where I started from but close. The difference though almost unnoticeable is my attitude of heart. I've seen enough now to trust again. God has given me a taste of the things that I thought I had been missing out on. I was seeking one relationship at the risk of losing it all. It all boils down to this. I will wait. And while I am waiting I will continue to serve. I will learn how to put God first again and not me. These are the things that are worthwhile. I am making the most of my singleness. Are you?