Singleness and Solitude

So this is were I find myself again. I am not quite at the place I was before but it all seems very familiar. The only difference is that I enjoy it. I am single and not looking. There was a time when I was afraid of this. When I resented it. Solitude. I not only don't mind the thought now but look forward to time alone. Isn't it funny how people change. I was watching this sermon where a young pastor was explaining why he was not married. There was nothing wrong with him. He was just single. He asked a question that stuck in my head. He said "what are you doing with you singleness?"

... ... It really got me thinking. Am I taking advantage of the opportunities I have as a single woman that I wouldn't have otherwise?

To my shock the answer was YES! As a single woman I am able to devote myself to high school girls at camp. As a single woman I was able to move to Washington in my sister's time of need. As a single woman I've traveled the Caribbean and Ireland. As a single woman I've been able to join ministries, start ministries, and lead studies. Not in spite of my singleness but because of it. It has allowed me to grow deep roots, flower fully, and bare great fruit.

The young pastor talked about young women who are just thirsty for relationships. I fell into that mindset for about a year. I was convinced that there must be something utterly wrong that I was content to have no special man in my life. I started noticing all the couples in my church. All my friends who had gotten married recently...and then the cruelest question was planted in my heart...."what about me Lord?"

I had done everything right. I didn't flirt or tease men. I didn't go out of my way to be noticed. I was heavily involved with all things Christ related. He said that He would give me the desires of my heart and He did....everything but my husband. And the cold question resounded again... "what about me?" This time it was a little different, there was a little anger behind it. So I tried to do things on my own and nearly ruined a friendship or two. Only to be back here. Not quite where I started from but close. The difference though almost unnoticeable is my attitude of heart. I've seen enough now to trust again. God has given me a taste of the things that I thought I had been missing out on. I was seeking one relationship at the risk of losing it all. It all boils down to this. I will wait. And while I am waiting I will continue to serve. I will learn how to put God first again and not me. These are the things that are worthwhile. I am making the most of my singleness. Are you?

on life's sorrows

It was as if I was watching it all happen in front of me but could do nothing. My loved ones were just out of reach on a ship. The sky darkens and suddenly clouds and thunder roll in. Lightning strikes. I could see their faces clearly. Their reactions. I just watch helplessly as they all go down. Sinking slowly. I watch the chaos, the panic, the pain. But it was out of my reach and all I can do was watch tragedy unfold. Hear the devastation in their voices. See the effects of it all. As I stand safe and sound on solid ground wishing it was me. Wishing that somehow I could just hit the rewind button. But there is none. This is reality. I have no way to stop or change this. I stand here full of guilt, but safe. Only I am not. I am drowning too. Drowning on dry land in the weight of it all.

That's how it was for me this summer. Not for very long but still terrible for that short amount of time. Then I realized something. I was done morning and I was not alone. I went to Catalina to meet with my God. He restored me. I am better. I am stronger. I've been renewed.

EVERYTHING in life is SPIRITUAL

1 John 4Test the Spirits 1Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. 2This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, 3but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world.
Why do we Christians keep trying to pretend that there is nothing evil out to get us? You can't believe in God and not believe that satan is real, alive and after us. Jesus tells us so time and time again. He warns us about this guy. Man, come on people we need to start looking at everything through our spirit eyes first. How can you just jump into things and pretend that you didn't know any better? Really guys. Really come on. You need to start consulting God in your every step instead of just "singing " about it. Test people's spirit and once you have an answer you know they are either of God or not. Then you have a choice to stay dwell in it or leave it. (resist the devil and he will flee) Life isn't as hard as we pretend lets just make the right choices and not blame the outcome on other people or circumstances. We will have trials and tests in our lives why don't we dedicate our hearts to overcoming instead of settleing in with defeat. No. I refuse because where you settle is where you die. I want more. I always will. I can't stay stagnent. If you're not growing you are dying. I can't settle for death when Jesus died that I might live, and live life abundantly. ugh. come get some. The blessings are raining down.

The "Jacob" in me: he faught for his blessings and I will too

Through the tragedy of it all i refuse to let go. In fact I find myself fighting harder than before wrestling with my faith and my God for the blessings I need. I was made for this. It would be easier not to fight. To just let go, but how can I turn away? How can I run from the reach of His embrace? Niether hieght nor depth can seperate me from the Love of my God, my savior Jesus Christ. Only I can do that. I can put walls up(like I am so good at doing). I can turn a deaf ear to His whispers into my soul. I can push Him away. I think about it....but then the moment passess and I press on with a gusto that knows no begining or end. I can see no end to this relationship. Your perfect love Lord is what I struggle for. You tell us time and time again that we will endure hardships. I find myself wrestling with you...just to be near to you and when I am through I rise and walk away limping. I am wounded, but Im blessed because of it. I walk side by side with you and though this life brings me pain I find the beauty that you have placed in the midst of difficulty. I chose You Lord. How can I not?

The crush: a glimpse into my stupid heart

So...I've had this crush for a little while. I broke my promise to myself and told a few friends...yet still vowing not to tell the crush. I was sent a secret message by one of them that said:

" A rose' beauty is meant to be seen and not hidden behind brick walls. But how much more beautiful is that rose when the walls are torn down and you see what was behind them all that time."

with all honesty my only response was:

what can i say, I guess having the garden a "secret" makes it a little special...and I am a coward in that area. I am never quite sure what people may think of the rose so I do gaurd it with my walls of stone...even i am surprised that any thing could grow there to begin with. and maybe even a little more scared of the person who made it grow.


I think there is such a thing as guarding your heart too much. Then it just becomes overgrown with thorns and weeds...forgotten. Instead of being the secret garden it becomes the forgotten one and when you feel something blossoming in a place you thought nearly dead it is just as scary as if it truly had died.

This month of June

Okay so this month I will be doing summer school 5 days a week, cutting back my hours at the office, working friday saturday and sunday. Shanika is gone for the summer and Becky is always busy. I feel like I am pretty much living alone most of the time. Everything is going to be fast paced and in my face. I am really stressed out about not going to church for a month...maybe I can make it to some Bible studies...or do one on my own. I miss my family and the simpler times. Everything is changing and that is what I love and crave, but that doesn't mean its easy. I guess nothing really ever is.

Hello Ladies, swim here often?

Okay okay so maybe he didn't say those exact words, but that pretty much seemed to be the gist of it. We came in minding our own business trying to have a sucessful day of swim lessons when he shows up(well actually he was there first). There was this lifeguard who seemed to have a lot of suggestions for us (Ly and me). First he suggested that we use the family dressing rooms to store our belongings, then ...to be honest I don't remember what else he suggested but he just seemed to want to talk...and we just wanted to swim. He asked if this was our first time there, and why hadn't he seen us before? And had the other guards talked to us? Poor guy. He was super polite so I couldn't just ignore him (as much as I wanted to). He would say things like pardon me, and if I may suggest....he even bowed. How can you be rude to a person who bows to you? I just couldn't do it. And because of that I know that he has life guarded for 6 years. Worked with the YMCA at the Meadows. Feels that his fellow rec center lifeguards are not very friendly and that they should talk to the patrons more and get to know them. By the way Ly is my number one star pupil. She is doing great!